Walking Disaster

If the last few years have given me anything, it’s an inordinate amount of time that can be spent swiping through dating apps, which has led me to notice certain patterns and habits that deserve further shaming. So let’s dive in.

If You “Like” Me and We Match, You’re Not Allowed to Not Say Anything

This isn’t something that so much pisses me off, it just doesn’t make sense? The whole point of liking someone’s profile is to like them and hopefully match with them. When that happens, radio silence doesn’t lead to anything so why like them in the first place? I’m not even talking about ghosting someone after texting a bit and realizing it’s not a good match.

I mean the people who never even start the conversation! Even if you met someone else, just say that – I promise, a girl would always prefer to know you connected with someone else than to sit there thinking something’s wrong with her. It’s even pretty simple to just lie and make up an excuse.

If it helps, here are some of my go-to’s, “I thought I responded!” or “I’ve been working all day” but seriously, just send a response. And I know, we’ve all been guilty of starting a conversation with someone and then prioritizing someone cooler as soon as they respond, I myself am very guilty of this. Yes, I’m a hypocrite. Yes, I realize this.

And while I’m on the subject, guys, if you “like” a girl by sending them a cute message or an opening question, do us all a favor and try not to copy and paste the same thing to every girl you “like”. The chances of girls being friends, and discussing Hinge or Bumble or Tinder guys means you will be found out and quickly.

I know this because just two days ago one guy (of course his name was Tyler) liked my profile and my friend’s profile, and in inviting us to start the chat, he opened with “One question…What the hell is a girl like you doing on an app like this?! Haha”. Cheesy and cringeworthy? Yes, but exponentially so when two girls get the exact same message, from the exact same guy, 5 minutes apart.

Stop Asking Me to Compare My Boobs to Produce

First of all, they’re grapefruits, and cantaloupes during shark week. Secondly, who raised you? What kind of question is that? That might be something my roommate and I or other girlfriends discuss but for a stranger on the internet to ask me that, before we’ve even met?

As if that is a factor in whether I’m worth meeting? I have been asked this question no less than four times, which means I can say definitively that 25% of men who asked me this, did it before we even matched! That was their opener! And yet they wonder why they’re single.

One of the photos on my profile is of myself at the beach, so from that alone, you should be able to gauge whether my boobs are worth a good motorboat. I’m assuming you are an adult man if you are looking at my profile so you should have the life experience to discern from pictures. If you really need a 3D model from the nearest Whole Foods to “try before you buy” then you may kindly see yourself out.

If the First Thing You Talk about is Feet and Your Ex…

You are not allowed to be surprised when I don’t want to hang out with you. First impressions are everything on dating sites, so if it seems like you’re about to ask me for foot pics and not even offer to pay for them, then I am immediately bypassing you. Not even sorry about it. The weirdest ones are the guys who don’t even want pictures, but for some reason can’t stop talking about what a woman’s feet feel like.

I don’t know what the female equivalent would be either. Maybe hands? I know I pay attention to what a guy’s hands look like. But I will never understand the foot fetish thing. I don’t even like my own feet and they’re about as average as they come! As I sit here typing this, I have periwinkle nail polish and two pairs of socks on. Is that because feet are weird looking or because I have no heater in my apartment? The answer is yes. Guys, do better! I would even prefer dick pics to awkward foot fetish conversations.

No Snapchats before Face to Face Contact

Speaking of dick pics, I have a personal rule to not give out my Snapchat to guys I haven’t physically met face to face (or FaceTime to FaceTime since covid came to town). The percentage of unwanted dick pics increases exponentially if you just hand out your handle to every guy you match with because that seems less personal than giving out your number.

Or if it’s not a penis, it’s usually the 2 am selfie of them in bed, lights off, flash on so that it forces them to do a weird Flynn Rider smolder. That…I’m actually not hating on that one. But still, wait until we’ve exchanged more than 7 texts, or talked about more than just the bare minimum, i.e. our jobs, where we’re from, and what we did that day.

Liking the Office or Parks and Rec is Not a Personality Trait

I swear, the amount of grown-ass men who have all their prompts as quotes or references just tells me that you have no defining characteristic. I promise you, the majority of the population you are trying to date had already watched The Office when it was on tv, and then again when it was on Netflix. You are not unique. If I see someone who compares themself to Jim, you’re actually a Toby, because I guarantee you Jim has something original to say when asked a question. The Office is hilarious, and is great to put on when you’re trying to Netflix and Chill, but it is not a good first impression to make.

And while we’re at it, in my opinion, Parks and Rec is even worse to constantly reference than The Office! Parks is basically just a discount version of The Office, so Hinge bros are discount, discount versions of who they’re so desperately trying to be (i.e. if you’re trying to be a knockoff Ron Swanson, you’re basically trying to be a knockoff Dwight Schrute and nobody wants that).

If you want to come across the right way to girls, be original and funny! Show that you have ambition and passion for something. Women respond to that way more than you think. Posting the Office quotes is basically the prompt answer version of posing with a fish you caught (looking at you fratsters).

The only thing I can be proud of is that I have yet to feel desperate enough to make an in-app purchase of roses on these apps. I never have and will never stoop to that faux-bachelorette low. Not yet anyway.