Walking Disaster

Or any other event you couldn’t avoid…

I’m fairly self-aware. I‘m the first to acknowledge if I’m being bitchy, but I’m not at fault here. I’m not a bad person. This bride is a bad person. The entire industry of bachelorette weekends is a bad person. These used to be a one-night party the same weekend as the wedding to minimize costs. Now that the last 10–15 years have been as unstable economically as I am mentally, it seems like everyone has collectively decided to make these long weekends as expensive and inconvenient as possible — now requiring a dip in your PTO and over $400 out of your account. All this to say, these are dire straits and if anyone is in the same boat as me…here’s what I would suggest.

First Step – Choose Wisely

This is something you’re only going to be able to get away with once, maybe twice. For context, I hadn’t seen the bride in five years and was suddenly named a bridesmaid, without being asked. When I tried to RSVP “maybe” to the bachelorette, I got a call from a screaming, crying bridezilla, so that “maybe” became a forced “yes.” Also, I knew this trip was not going to be fun. It was a lake trip in the middle of Arizona in August, which might as well be Mars (except Arizona is hotter, redder, drier, and somehow further away). There was also a catastrophic dress code that involved mandatory pink glitter cow print. Cow. Pink.

Quick note: I am not a southern sorority girl, nor am I Lauren Boebert. I am also not inclined to have fun anywhere the word mandatory is included. Most importantly, this weekend lake trip did not involve the fucking lake! I’m not driving six hours one way and dropping more money than my car payment to sit in an Airbnb that would’ve been a waterfront house 10 years ago, but now probably just has broken air conditioning, only to sit around drinking with people I will not like.

Second Step – The Partner in Crime

The buddy system is a necessity for everything from going to the bathroom to cyberstalking exes, and everything in between. Just like you would need each other if you were going, you need to make sure both of you have a backup plan the second the bride casually mentions her habit of hitting animals with a shovel (as is my life motto: I so wish I was joking). 

My buddy had already begun marinating the bride for an entire month prior. She was continuously giving updates on her old, sickly dog. She would give the bride some self-importance by asking for her advice since she once spent a month as a vet tech. Then when the time came, she pulled the trigger and made the call by claiming she was too nervous to leave the dog alone. Which was a lie. The bride was fine with it since she felt like she had been a part of the decision. Credit where credit’s due, my friend was pretty expert in her execution. That left me using Covid, but unfortunately, even that excuse was taken by another bridesmaid. Whether she actually had it is irrelevant, because now that alibi couldn’t be used.

Step Two and a Half – Cold Feet?

Unlike me, you may have feelings. Maybe you start to feel bad, because this is someone’s big weekend, although one could argue that’s the actual wedding weekend, but let’s not get carried away here. It is totally fine and normal for your conscience to make itself known. All you have to do to make your decision is to ask one seemingly harmless question about the upcoming trip. I asked about the drive over, where I would be driving with the bride and two other randoms, and the response I got involved an entire can of worms that I did not ask for.

She mentioned needing to stop at BevMo for alcoholic whipped cream because she wanted to try that on top of her favorite drink, aka vodka poured into a half-drunk rockstar can. She wanted to put boozy whipped cream on top of the vodka/rockstar monstrosity in her bastardized red-state version of a blowjob shot. I should’ve suggested calling it a January 6th. She also mentioned the need for a “cheerleader beer” aka her name for a seltzer. I have never felt more supportive of my own decision to Irish exit a party before it starts.

Step Three – The Heist

Unfortunately, my friend had stolen the long-con method, so I had to come up with my own. Now, you don’t want to get too dark, like using a fake death, that’s just inviting bad karma. You also don’t want to make something up, because you’ll get lost in the details. I recommend using something that actually happened, the more recent the better. Luckily for me, my roommate had a recent ER stay! She’s fine, but it was very fortuitous because I’m a forward thinker and took enough photo evidence to have in my back pocket for a rainy day. 

So when the day arrived, I got up ridiculously early in the morning before the sun came up, and drove to the closest urgent care to drop a pin to my friend, thus giving me credibility. Then after she called to find out what happened, I told her the story of why my roommate needed the emergency room, and between the fact that it was at 5 am, and I had an energy drink to stay awake at that time, I struck the exact chord between tired and panicked that was needed. It helps that I’m a fantastic actress, even when it’s only voice work. Plus, since I never specified when it happened, it wasn’t technically a lie. That came when I told her how sad I was and how I wished I was able to make it.

Throughout the day, I kept “updating” her on my roommate’s “condition.” Turns out I was so solid, that I didn’t even need to send her the pictures I had lined up on my phone! Pro tip: if you sound near tears out of artificial guilt, they will be so insistent that you stay with your fraudulently sick friend, that it will eventually become their idea! If you’re lucky, you’ll be able to get this all done with enough time to exercise and shower before work, and you’ll end the week on a high point. No regrets.

Now the only thing left to do is to plan out your strategy for the wedding, but that’s pretty much a zero-sum game because you already paid for the room and dress. Goddammit.