Walking Disaster

My roommate is drunkenly attempting finger curls for a Great Gatsby party while I suffer the ill effects of Montezuma’s Revenge after my Christmas escape to Mexico when she texts me the registration website for a half marathon. It was New Year’s Eve, a day synonymous with fantastic decision-making, so naturally, I assumed she was joking. Mainly because she is part of the “I never run unless being chased” crowd. It wasn’t until a week later that I realized she was serious, and since I’m incapable of turning down a challenge, I agreed and our journey began.

January mainly consisted of post-holiday hibernation mode, so the training began in February. The main difference between the two of us is our running history. I grew up with a running family who did Turkey Trots every Thanksgiving and instead of having “Live, Laugh, Love” decals, we grew up with sayings like, “If you can do three miles, then you can do five; if you can do six then you can do eight,” or, “it’s not an injury until you can’t walk” and so on and so on. My friend was never a runner but was always active in other ways plus is turning thirty this year and facing her version of mortality, so she has the drive to accomplish specific goals that I am yet to have. We had completely different training methods, only coinciding a handful of times, so whether you are a competent runner or not, here is how we trained for our thirteen miles.

If you’re like me, someone who is already a capable runner but whose biggest problem can only be described as yourself, then this is what I would suggest. I gave myself over four months to train. I wanted to start at three-mile runs comfortably, then grow to six, then nine, then twelve, gaining an equal amount of distance for my distance runs each month while still maintaining a healthy rest-to-run ratio. I found it was best to have my distance days in public places like parks, manmade lakes and reservoirs, or anywhere moderately flat with water fountains already in place, saving the hilly areas for strength days. Also incorporated were weekly track days for interval training, leaving approximately three running days per week.

This is to switch up the monotony of training, running surfaces, and to prevent too much injury from the uptick in impact. It can be easy for some to go out and run three or four miles in the morning, but in my case, past injuries tend to flare up at the six- or seven-mile mark. If you start to experience discomfort (I had some slight extensor tendonitis), Pilates was a massive benefit. I was able to strengthen my legs and feet without the impact running has, giving my joints and tendons a much-needed break while continuing to work actively towards my goal. During distance runs, it’s imperative to push your muscles but listen to your body simultaneously, so to prevent yourself from walking, try distracting yourself. I would wait until after counting 100 paces backward, naming all the countries in the Americas, or I would think of all the bills ready to come through on autopay. The latter works twice as well as the others because you find yourself running through your tears just to make it home faster to find a side hustle.

If you’re like my friend, a serial lifter who only ever ran during those awful presidential fitness tests in high school, follow these steps. First, start by telling everyone you’ve ever met ever about the race. Be sure to get advice and top tips from everyone and their mother. Do this all before attempting a jog. While dedicated to her gym time, she’s mainly devoted to weightlifting and strength training, so the first thing she did was to start increasing her time dedicated to cardio. While not immediately running, she would include the elliptical, spin bike, or treadmill.

Her main priority was setting certain times to hit rather than certain mileage. With about two months to go and the weather starting to warm up, she began getting into the training side of training; there are only so many trips one can take to Road Runner Sports without feeling the need to jog. When it came to running, she responded more to “calming” areas. These ended up being nature reserves, trails off the beaten path, and sidewalks around the bay rather than the busier beach boardwalk. According to her, the main trick was not overthinking otherwise, she’d look for excuses to stay in or go another day. For someone who socializes as a hobby, running by herself must have been absolute hell, and the way she got through it was with motivational running podcasts or hype music. It also helps to have a friend who tricks you into running further than you expected to…

There were a lot of takeaways that the two of us noticed during our different approaches. The first is that running is great because it is one of the last few activities that remains completely free, as is recovery since you can do cold therapy in the nearest body of water or even in your bathroom. Proper hydration and stretching can mean the difference between comfortably running seven miles or struggling through five. If you’re struggling with running before or after work, there is no reason you can’t go for a short one on your lunch break. It helps to have coworkers who insist on meaningless or redundant Zoom calls, who make you want to run as far away from your computer as possible. Regarding sports bras, especially ones above a c-cup, Nike and Under Armour reign supreme. LuluLemon and other athleisure brands only exist for aesthetics — there is a difference between dressing for your run and dressing so people know you run.

Have a plan for your race morning and a backup plan. You don’t want to be stressed and forced to walk an extra mile and a half if your ride is too hungover to pick you up and you need to find last-minute parking yourself. The worst-case scenario is that someone coming to cheer you on will have a reserved parking spot. Bring disinfectant wipes, along with your phone and energy gels, in case all the portable bathrooms are taken. The goal is to finish not to win, but it also helps to have additional objectives other than getting to the end, even if the goals seem arbitrary. And to all the people who run clockwise on a track instead of counterclockwise, know that you are entirely backward and everything wrong with this world.

Lastly, don’t be surprised if you finish your race and immediately want to sign up for a marathon, but give yourself at least a week before you look into presale prices.