Walking Disaster

Alternatively titled “the Whine Guy”

Intellectually, I realize that toxic masculinity is a major problem faced by the world today. With that being said, as with most dark and terrible things in the world, toxic masculinity can be so stupid it is ridiculously funny. Any girl who knows anything about guys knows that they’re completely nonsensical. But straight, fragile, white guys are the absolute best.

We were out to dinner the other day, where our bartender friend had recently been hired. Since he was letting us use his employee discount, we spent the night getting a lot of appetizers and a lot of drinks, because getting one of each would be stupid. Along the way, “Matt” mentions that he wants white wine, but is too scared to order it because he doesn’t want to seem gay. And no he wasn’t joking.

I thought he was scraping the bottom of the mediocrity barrel, but turns out, he has sunk lower. But since he is a 33-year-old man child, who was good friends with my roommate and me despite treating us like actual shit, I had been waiting for a reason to go after him. As soon as he made that comment about not wanting to seem gay over a glass of wine, I was off. 

The next time the waiter came by I ordered him a Pinot Grigio while getting a scotch on the rocks for my roommate and me. After that, I ordered him a Chardonnay and asked for a tiara on the side. I made it extra clear that he knew I would be getting him an extra large bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and bedazzled wine glasses for his birthday. I think I went a bit too far when I asked the waiter to get him a glass with lipstick already on the rim because that’s when he got really pissed. Honestly, I think that was the closest I’ve ever gotten to getting punched in the face. We haven’t spoken since.

The best part that came out of this is now my roommate had her eyes opened. She tried to mediate and get him to relax by emphasizing that we were having a lot of fish, so white wine would be good to have and he turned his ire on her, leaving her to finally see how ridiculous this person was. How she didn’t get it when he refused to neuter his dog because it would affect the dog’s masculinity (aka the whole point) is beyond me.

Although, I’m very happy that she finally saw the light before I received an uppercut or she was impregnated. I think the key was to highlight his absurdity and not his toxicity, and that opened her up to see a new viewpoint. And now she’s the one protecting her girlfriends from him too, and our apartment has become a refuge from the town bicycle. We love to see personal growth.

But it got me thinking about how utterly laughable some of these guys can be! More examples that I’ve found through the years include hating Disneyland. It is entirely fair to hate Disney the corporation — they steal from artists, fuck over their employees, and I’m pretty sure the CEO has no soul. But to shit on Disneyland because it’s “for chumps” is blatantly weird. Shitting on anyone for what makes them happy is a red flag, just like using the word “chumps” is as well. I mean seriously, that’s the extent of your vocabulary? What, did you drop out of school as a sophomore?

I mean, refusing to go on BuzzFeed cause it seems like a girly site, and would rather go on Reddit. I would like to back up, a) Reddit is better b) he could’ve said 4chan, so at least the bar’s that low. But to avoid a site because it’s girly? Fucking lame man. Not using a Brita filter because of manly man syndrome. Telling a 20-minute-long story about a gay nephew that had no punchline, and literally just described the guy. Trump supporters. Wearing Oakley sunglasses and posting pictures with dead fish on your dating profiles…we all know you were in a frat. Being in a frat. Refusing to drink from straws. Refusing to sit in the passenger seat, even though it’s not their car. Making football and beer your entire personality — fine during the season, weird in April. Siding with Ashton on Below Deck?? That’s just a van ride full of red flags. 

I seriously think I’m just going to keep this list open. There are going to be a million more examples, feel free to chime in. So ladies, if you’re ever in Southern California and you meet a guy who has his own name tattooed on his body, this is your sign to look elsewhere. Otherwise, he’ll give you herpes.

And by the way, the name in this post is “Matt” for anonymity, his real name is Zack.