Walking Disaster

If you’re wondering what the difference is between Pilates and Lagree, other than the pricing, look no further. Pilates feels great and Lagree feels awful, in a great way. For starters, Pilates uses a reformer, and Lagree uses a megaformer – but the main difference would be the workout itself. Lagree is much slower and focuses on form and body alignment more than normal pilates. Pilates has more moves where you are completely lying down on the reformer, which I felt had improved my flexibility after a few weeks, while Lagree very rarely has you lying down, meaning that throughout the whole class, your core is working on stability, whether you’re targeting it or not. They both require grip socks, but so does a stay in an asylum so make of that what you will.

I should also make it clear that during these two weeks, I kept up my normal cardio routine too: 3-4 mid-length runs per week and one or two lap swim sessions. My friend and I did this to get ready for her bachelorette weekend, which I also have thoughts on, but it’s always nice to have a friend go through the bourgeois version of boot camp with. 

My first thought is that my workout outfits are not cute enough for this. Whenever I come to one of these classes, I’m reminded that my normal workout fit of tights, big shirts, and somehow already sweaty hair is not the norm for most of Southern California. I felt like the Doordasher who walked into a Vuori ad. 

My second thought on looking at this megaformer is that I suddenly feel a kinship with any French revolutionaries who were in line for the guillotine. 
I’ve decided that starting with five minutes of plank variations to warmup is clearly some form of corporal punishment. Those of us with long torsos are already at a disadvantage; those four extra inches of height I have over my best friend/workout buddy are analogous to the difference between a suspension bridge and an aqueduct. 

My abs hurt so much, all over, and continued to feel on fire through the first five days. I’m not sure if I became stronger or if I just became comfortable with the pain. It’s all of them too, for the first time in my life I can feel the difference between my obliques, upper, and lower abs. 

Try to make sure your instructor is the type to correct your form and force you to slow down. Pilates and Lagree are not exercises that benefit you when you’re just going through the motions. Those mirrors are awful and self-esteem-crushing, but they’re there for a reason. My biggest weakness, other than my own willpower, is my tendency to collapse my knee inwards during lunges and most single-leg exercises. It was a constant battle for me to slow down and be sure that my ankle, knee, and hips were all in line. 

I haven’t seen a real difference in muscle tone for my arms and legs, but my abs and back have completely transformed. Especially my obliques. They’re visible! Even without flexing! This had an interesting domino effect in that I could now turn down cookies and my usual cravings and vices in favor of my newly visible muscles. I don’t even care if that’s based on vanity instead of just general health and wellness. 

If done correctly, you’ll be sweating as if you’re in a sauna, and you’ll be shaking as if you had to speak in public. I was drowning and sweating off my deodorant within the first ten minutes whether the air conditioning was on or not. Then on the four days that I had a sadist as an instructor, the air conditioning and fans were turned off, so I probably lost about 25% of my water weight that day as well. I’m allowed to call her a sadist, or Darth Vader, or downright evil, mainly because she shall remain nameless anyway, but also because when I called her that to her face, she considered them compliments. I think I want to be her best friend. 

Speaking of the extreme sweat levels – my top tip is to make sure you wear leggings, not shorts, otherwise, you will be asked to be in a tabletop position, and you will slip in your own puddle of sweat that you were previously looking at your reflection in. You would think more springs would mean harder and heavier exercise, but suddenly you’re told to go down to one spring and stand up straight with one leg on the carriage and one on the platform, and before you know it, your thighs are crying. 

Apparently, the cool kids wear crew-cut grip socks – mine are not the norm. If you want socks to be as long as your CVS receipt, that’s fine, but I am a millennial and will be buried in my ankle socks. Fight me on this.

I will say that it is a pretty ideal workout for people who want to lose weight without losing a cup size. My tits are basically all I have going for me, I will not sacrifice them. My starting weight is 136.6 and my ending weight is 131.0 – those pounds will come back the next time I look at a charcuterie board, but I don’t even care. I now have the confidence to work out without the giant shirt, for the time being. Unfortunately, still not able to work out in only my sports bra and leggings, but maybe one day! Baby steps. 

I did the math, and in doing a 2 week, new customer course that I paid $70 for, I technically devalued the classes to be only $5 per, which made me pretty happy. This schedule isn’t necessarily sustainable, but it bled into and transformed my entire two weeks. Suddenly I’m more of a morning person…is that due to the 6 am classes or the caffeine leaving my soul at 4 pm? Not entirely sure, but I know that since I started so early, I would be able to do a Lagree strength training session, work for seven or eight hours, and then go for a three or five-mile run at the end of the day before bedtime. My energy levels were way up and able to stay up throughout the day. 

Final thoughts: I believe that pike planks can die violently in a ditch.

This post has been brought to you by Celsius.