Walking Disaster

We’ve all been in a scenario where we feel the need to just let out all the negative energy that usually points inward and causes us to self-destruct. I’ve been told by my tarot card reading friend that this is due to planetary alignment and obviously, she’s right. It’s the planet’s fault that we are confused, frazzled, depressed, frustrated, prone to typos, unlucky in love, and perpetually angry. It has nothing to do with us or our decisions. It also has nothing to do with the fact that the world is genuinely insane and seems to show no sign of slowing down on this non-stop path to certain destruction…but I digress. So pick a day, preferably one where you know there will be no distractions or roommates to have you committed, and come break down with me.

Step One: Grab Some Wine

This is open to whatever preferences you have, but I’ve found wine to be more socially acceptable than seltzers or brown liquor. Vodka works too, but you’re probably gonna get fighty and confrontational rather than weepy and pathetic, so wine it is. Something cheap too, you’re not gonna want anything more expensive than like $6. Coppola? In this economy? I don’t think so. And I know what you’re going to say — drinking alone is a slippery slope, and for most instances, you’d be right. But are you alone if you have your various personalities with you?

Step Two: Choose a Worthy Cause

You can’t just blame it on the month we’re in or blame it on the fact that it’s too cold to leave your non-central-heating having apartment. You can’t even really blame it on the fact that the days are only about 6 hours long. If you’re about to commit to an ugly cry it better be worth it, otherwise, instead of feeling better after you’ll feel even more shame and self-loathing. This is only for family and friend problems or a death. Significant others and jobs do not deserve your cry day. Most of your friends and family don’t either, but we can’t choose all our triggers. If you’re wondering why I didn’t put this step first, it’s because I believe in planning ahead.

Step Three: Instigate

My go to is usually a sad song playlist. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t hear “To Build a Home” or any of the songs featured in Scrubs without having an automatic tear duct pavlovian response. And I don’t care, because that means I’m a genius and my method works. My stress response is usually to shut down and lose hair, so I’m basically a stone cold bitch in most situations as long as there are no piano ballads in the background. Word to the wise: those Disney/Pixar “try not to cry” challenges work just as well, but be careful because we’re trying to get you to cry over your situation, not the toys in an incinerator.

Step Four: Let It Out

Cry bitch. Go full ugly cry. Cry so hard you feel the need to see your own reflection. Fight that urge people, this is not the time for vanity. I promise you will not look cinematic, you’ll look like shit, except now you’ll be crying over the fact that for some reason your makeup’s not running so this doesn’t count, and now you’re just faking your tears so you can get some black ones. Hypothetically. Also do not call your friends when you’re in this space. That’s for legitimate panic attacks and needing someone to breathe out loud with you so you don’t hyperventilate. Only call your friends if they know the score and are prepared to listen and/or provide moral support while you wail like a possum stuck in a rat trap.

You’re going to want to squeeze every last tear out because once you do, all your serotonin will come rushing in like white cells to a virus, and you’ll experience the weirdest rush of endorphins you’ve ever gotten. You might even get in a laughing fit. This is when you take a deep breath, start in on the snacks, and revel in how much better you feel and how much clearer your head is.

Miscellaneous Tips:

Do not start snacking until the tears cease naturally. Chocolate and/or chicken nuggets are numbing agents, and we are committed to feeling everything and anything right now. If crying persists for more than a half hour OR if no tears are coming at all, I suggest an activity. I prefer the treadmill. And yes, I bring the chardonnay with me (sauvignon blanc is for cooking not crying). Do you know how many people in my building have seen me on the treadmill either running as fast as possible or high-incline walking while fully crying with wine in my hand? It’s probably a 1:1 ratio. No, I’m not ashamed, it keeps them away from me, which is what you want in a neighbor. Also, try not to do this too many times otherwise, you’ll become invested in your own sadness, and that’s a guaranteed descent into madness. This is an annual practice, biannual if you’re in truly dire straits.

Take a deep breath, we did it, we got everything that felt like shit off our chest, and now it’s time to get our teeth kicked in by whatever this year throws at us. Oh, and take an Advil because you just took in a bottle of wine and all the dairy your heart needed, so now your stomach is mad at you. You’re welcome!