Walking Disaster

Unfortunately, diabetics are going to die anyways, so technically, I’m not killing them. By stealing their medicine, I’m merely doing the equivalent of cutting off their foot, which is bound to fall off at some point. And what has the diabetic community ever done for me?

So far, the only people I know with diabetes have deserted me in Texas, laughed when I got arrested, and refused to help with any holiday cooking. Therefore, it is not my fault that their medicine serves my aesthetic ideals. Think of all the money they are helping me save by no longer needing to pay for buccal fat removal!

Consider the modest truth that Ozempic is strictly a Type II medicine, which means they’re bringing this on themselves. We get it, you grew up with siblings, and now that you have your own money, all willpower flew out the window like that third chicken they’re eating wished it could. And in my defense, I also grew up with siblings, and we constantly competed for seconds.

So now, fifteen years later, food is personal to me too. But only me. Obviously, what one eats and puts in their body is, by definition, impersonal to the general populace, only me. Hence the obscene amount of money spent on different semaglutides instead of a gym membership. All that money I am now saving by not paying for treadmill access can easily fund the child labor at my nearest Crumbl Cookies.

I am proud to be on the frontline of this newest health movement. It’s time to move away from surgeries, fillers, and BBLs. Heroin chic should never have gone out of style, and if we can’t use cocaine or liposuction to get ourselves there, then I’m glad those with diabetes are going to forgo their medicine, willingly or not.

Don’t worry — it benefits them too! They will no longer have to budget and ration their different medications for fear of bankruptcy or death anymore! All those Covid-supply chain shortages went a long way towards preparing them for the harsh reality that my Instagram thirst traps matter more in the grand scheme of things than their blood sugar levels.

And for people with diabetes who are mad at me for stealing their medication, it’s not worth trying to get Wegovy because I have stolen that too. Summer is coming up, and I live by the beach — you understand, right?

In the hopes of helping diabetic readers feel better, my peers and I are also taking extra estrogen and testosterone for female and male weight loss, respectively. So diabetics and their transitioning friends can meet up, travel to Canada, and buy their medicines together! I’m basically helping them learn a valuable lesson on common (or uncommon, I guess) pool resources!

And before you say anything: no, I am not being ableist or transphobic in doing this because I’m not doing this to hurt them, I’m not even thinking about them at all! I promise! If anything, they should all be thanking me, because while I may lose 10% of my body weight in a month, they will be so much more appreciative and grateful for their life-saving medication once I die of kidney failure or thyroid cancer. You are so welcome.