Walking Disaster

For once, this is not about me issuing unsolicited and profanity-laden advice. I am officially less than a month away from my first half marathon and losing my mind with the person I registered with. I love the idea of doing a half marathon and challenging myself, and I love my friend for finally pushing me to commit to finishing it. At the same time, I slightly hate her for leaving me to potentially do it on my own. The 30-day countdown has begun and she’s run outside a sum total of twice.

Here’s the thing, I know how to ditch a fellow runner impolitely, having been on the receiving end. That’s one of my dear father’s classic moves, and he has left me in the dust every time I mocked his considerable age and weight since I was thirteen, so there’s a chance I deserved it. I was lucky enough to receive a double-barrel ditching at each Thanksgiving Turkey Trot I’ve done with my dad and brother in what I consider to be a stunning display of stupidity. They forgot that during said 10K’s, the daughter/sister they laughingly ran past was in charge of their food and spit-laden gravy for the rest of the day, so they deserved the tainted food they got. All this to say, it’s not okay when they do it, so I need to make it okay when I do it.

My main goal is to walk as little as possible. I know I’ll have to do it a bit because my body hates me, but I will need everything I have to hold off that inevitability. I’m also aiming for a time around 2 hours and 45 minutes but will be happy as long as I finish under three hours. Those thirteen miles are going to be grueling enough, and I need advice on the kindest way to leave behind any dead weight. I am going to have a hell of a time pushing myself through this since I’m my own biggest detractor when left to my own devices, and while I’m proud of myself for making it past my new fear of running by myself anywhere ever (thank you pepper spray), I’m not exactly thrilled at the prospect of pushing a person who rejected all but one of my invitations to get away from the treadmill. It’s only fair that she stops reading infographics on how to train and going on tropical vacations that she can’t afford and instead starts doing the damn thing.

It’s not even about being held back or whatever. It’s the disappointment that this is just the latest in a long line of things I thought we were doing together, only for it to end up largely on my shoulders…just like our gas and electric bills. I love the running community and the feeling I get after the runs I’ve taken while preparing, and I want to find a way to make sure those positive sentiments and passion are associated with this race too, and I don’t think that’ll happen if I have to go at her pace. I’ve started to marinate her a bit by suggesting that she can skip runs and workouts if she wants to, but I won’t because I’m not walking that day — which is a lie, but how will she know? I keep asking her how many miles she’s run each week and giving her what my friends “affectionately” refer to as my “judgey face” every time she mentions that she took a nap instead. But I think I either need to step it up a notch or give up altogether.

So if anyone has advice on how to broach the subject of not walking, that would be great. If anyone can tell me how to give tough love without being bitchy, that would be better. And if anyone can teach me how to go back in time and kick her ass into gear three months ago, that would be best! As it stands, the only idea I have is to wear a shirt with “this was inevitable” printed on the back, and that seems like it will be ill-received…