Walking Disaster

The Woman Rep:
Constantly talks about the fact that she’s a woman in a male-dominated industry… conveniently forgets that every industry is male-dominated. Highly ambitious and surprisingly helpful, but hard to decide if she’s actually likable or not. Clearly majored in steering conversations with or about other people to be about her and her strengths. Smart at a tradeshow, annoying at breakfast. Honestly enviable. Don’t forget she’s a woman.

The Top Earner:
A proper piece of shit. Unironically uses the phrase, “others are an army, I’m a navy seal” to describe themself. Seriously. Also tells people that in order to be a winner, they need to be excellent and to be excellent they need to strive for excellence. This one makes sure to shit on the hard work everyone has done to put together as many different yet realistic scenarios as possible and to make everything go smoothly for the weekend, doubly so during role-play sessions for new hires. Constantly has advice for others to reach their level of success — said advice is seemingly about work ethic, but boils down to prayer and working in the same territory as the company warehouse, “try hand delivering certain small orders.” Sorry assface — I can’t do that for my customers in Bismark. Pro tip for getting under his skin: win a contest or quiz and watch him bend over backwards with excuses about how he wasn’t trying to win but could’ve if he tried.

The Texas Guy:
Also the Oklahoma guy. Pretty much just the stereotype guy. But mainly the Texas guy. Mentions the oil industry a bit too much for people at a company not involved with oil. But we all like him because he never has a complaint and is the one to rally the troops on the nights out. Terrible dance moves and overly aggressive handshake. Knows this and doesn’t care.

The Technically Nice Guy:
Flows under the radar of other senior sales reps, besties with the woman one. A wealth of knowledge — shares none of it. He’s the one to shadow in the field, but will never leave himself open to that option. Great attitude, friends with everyone, but still manages to make me feel like he’s insulting me with teeny tiny comments, and thinks he’s helping by ambushing/forcing me to make a speech in front of the whole sales force. Uncertain if that’s my insecurity speaking, but that’s a dick move.

The New Guy:
Insecurity on full display, which I can’t judge. Acts like he knows more than what he learned from his one week of employment. Trying a bit too hard to make sure no one remembers how he was hired and immediately quit a year and a half ago…trying way too hard to make sure no one knows he was laid off from the job he chose instead. Constantly mentioning old job like a guy who got dumped and is trying to convince everyone that it’s just a rough patch. Except it’s not, it was a firing.

The Drunk Mom:
Slob Kabob. The first few nights off in a while are even more dangerous because the food and drinks are free, yet somehow still brings her teenage son to the final day of a trade show. Assumes we’re besties because we had one round of drinks together and won’t stop yelling from across the ballroom during actual, professional meetings. Prompts embarrassment by association. Unnatural attachment to her Big Gulp that she keeps refilling with what is hopefully a virgin rum and coke. Spoiler alert: it’s not.

Middle Managers:
Incompetence personified. One doesn’t know how to make pdfs and the other speaks only in sports references. If I hear another holding call analogy for an equipment sale, I’m throwing a flag on the play at his face. Neither of them knows which reps are managed by which. Only made management by being the favorites of previous bosses — peter principle applies.

C-Suiters (Now Feat. a Woman!):
Astoundingly competent against all odds and expectations. I’m just kidding. Speak in fortune cookie sayings a bit too much but come with actual strategies and meaningful advice. Calls everyone “bud” which could lead to resentment but they’re Canadian so it works. Gleefully throws out Letterkenny references they think weren’t caught. Their only mistake is hiring a professional photographer who pushes “jazz hands.” Still play favorites but are also willing to call out the nonsense from the navy seal. None are more shocked than me.

Marketers:
The fun ones! Help me by talking me up to the bosses, so I help them when sales reps shit on them in front of the whole company by conveniently forgetting that they’re not interns. Will have your back if you have theirs, and willing to learn with you. The tight-knit group that I thought I was a part of until it came time to be a part of. Still fun comparatively, but they get points off for having matching jackets. You’re not the pink ladies guys.

The Counterpart:
Aka, the fucking worst. Has the same job as me but still thinks she works harder due to her own poor time management skills. Wants other departments to do her work and claims it’s under the guise of department growth. Constantly brings up problems, never has an attempt at a solution. Spends more time making sure everyone knows she works hard, rather than just working. Chain smokes cigarettes all day, even though we live in an age of Juuls and puff bars. Total twat.

Walking Disaster:
The best one. Dresses up, does her hair and makeup, and puts in an actual effort…still manages to look busted in the LinkedIn headshot. Forgets flat shoes for the entire week — suffers in silence while popping three separate blisters and nervously shame-eating. Starts sweating and shaking when made to speak in front of others. Stays mostly silent and out of the way until there’s a competition, in which she cheats and finds a way to win because winning an Amazon gift card matters more to her than the outside sales reps who are in much different tax brackets. Lives up to the name.