Walking Disaster

I recently took about a month off because it turns out my body is no longer capable of dealing with a rolled ankle and I didn’t want to take any chances. So I gave myself some time and wouldn’t let myself go for a run until I could walk to and from the grocery store without any residual pain. Once I was good to go, I wanted to start back up…and Eliza Fletcher’s story came out. Now some of my old fears are rearing their ugly heads again.

This happens to me every time some poor soul gets murdered while having the audacity of trying to exist in the world. I know she probably had the same fears and the same thoughts while she ran, and she was a braver person than me because she still went out for her morning miles anyway. And at the risk of sounding naive and childish, it’s just not fucking fair. I don’t want to have to start carrying anything with me for protection. At least now I run with my phone and a smartwatch, and even then I only did that because my roommate mentioned she had a standing phobia of what would happen if I got hurt and/or kidnapped on a run. Her touching concern highlighted my stubborn stupidity so now I run with technology, but with Daylight Savings Time coming back, it just drives home how scary it can be to run by yourself, especially as a woman, no matter how well-lit the area is.

The problem isn’t just missing a workout. A nice long run gets you back in touch with yourself, grounds you, and clears your head. When I was in middle school and high school, the biggest dangers were rattlesnakes, bobcats, and other wildlife. Now it’s manslaughter. So what do you do when your main source of anxiety relief starts to give you anxiety? It’s already hard enough to find therapists that insurance will cover, so how else can you find an entirely free way to destress and make yourself happy? Yes, I could run with a friend or a group, but that defeats the main purpose of running, which is to have alone disconnected time. So what else is there? I could use the treadmill but that is a happiness killer. I’ve thought about briefly stealing my friend’s dogs so they can run with me as a silent friend and surrogate bodyguard (to my friend(s) reading this…I’m still open to that), but that also includes driving to pick them up, then finding dog-friendly areas, then driving back. Half of the joy is being able to just run out my door and away from my problems, and I don’t want to run on a schedule or someone else’s time. I could run at the beach a little more now that summer’s over, and it’s been a long time since I’ve seen Slo-Mo so that’ll be nice.

Mainly I just really fucking hate how often this happens you know? And I also hate how it seems like little can be done. Other than just waiting out the stress until my desire to run outweighs my fear. I’ll honestly take any suggestions at this point because I’m getting so sick of the spin bike. That is some cult shit and I will not have it.