Walking Disaster

Literally everyone has dealt with this type of person. They story-top you, they speak over you, they jerkily bring the conversation to whatever they want to talk about, only to change the subject as soon as they get their thought out. I call them conversational steamrollers, because you just can’t get a word in, no matter what you try.

Let me be clear, I’m not talking about people who are on a spectrum, or who aren’t neurotypical. I’m also not talking about your elderly relatives that you get trapped in a conversation with, despite your best efforts. I’m talking about people who are, frankly, too narcissistic to function in any form of conversation whether it’s one on one, or with multiple other people. You can tell because they’re not actually listening to what you’re saying, they’re just waiting for you to be done so they can talk, and talk, and talk, usually unnecessarily loud. I’m also talking about the person in the office who, when meeting the new CEO of the company, decides to keep directing the conversation towards whether or not the guy is a Dodger’s fan, and, if not, what MLB teams he prefers, all while the rest of us are trying to let him talk so we can hear whether our jobs/salaries/benefits/everything are affected. No I’m not kidding.

Or I’m talking about the clearly insecure executive who keeps trying to discuss meaningless sales platitudes during a product training session. Why would I be taking in and absorbing what the product managers are saying, and why would they give their presentations in a knowledgeable and timely manner so we can all go home, when instead, we can stop anything productive and watch Tommy Boy clips on YouTube in order to go over what not to do when you’re in sales? How can I properly learn about the products I’m selling when you keep cutting off the experts that are talking, just so you can discuss the groundbreaking idea of “the more people you talk to, the more sales you make” (aka sample theory, aka common fucking sense) or the idea of “don’t take no for an answer”? Which, I maintain, is a simplistic sales tactic that also doubles as the source of all evil. Fun fact: I had already been at this company just over a month longer than the other new salesmen by this point. So when this guy oh-so-kindly interrupted the product manager to talk about never taking no for an answer, he randomly called on me and asked “What about you? Do you take no for an answer?” to which I promptly replied “Yes.”

This phenomenon is not restricted to in person conversations, by the way. Most of the time, they are also gonna be exactly the same way via text, god forbid you have this type of person in a group chat. I’m sorry, but if I’m trying to open up to you about my most recent panic attack, and I mention really needing support, don’t immediately change the subject to the shit you’re dealing with! There is a time or place for that, and it is once my Valium kicks in. Or if the group chat is blowing up because Claire found out her boyfriend puts ketchup on a burrito, and she’s now wondering if it’s a break-up level offense (it is, by the way), that is in no way an invitation to start talking about whether or not to include Girl Scout accomplishments on a resume. Stick to the topic at hand, or slowly move it to what you want to talk about. Don’t give us virtual whiplash just because you’re pissed you’re not the center of group chat attention! Side-note: who the fuck would include Girl Scout accomplishments on a resume past the age of 18 let alone when you’re 29??

I have to be honest, I’m not entirely sure how to combat this, other than letting them ramble themselves out while you make unblinking eye contact with your friends nearby, and then blatantly returning to the original topic once the narcissistic friend has finally finished talking at you. Although that might just encourage them. I guess you could try telling them to just shut the hell up, but I also feel like that gives them the attention they’re actually desperate for. Obviously another option is to avoid them at all costs…which I’m in full support of. Cut that toxicity out. It’s a strategy I’m clearly leaning heavily towards these days. Last option is only for you if still value their friendship, which if that’s true, kudos. It’s to try to be honest and open, and hope that in telling them what they do, and how it makes you and almost everyone around them feel, they will own up to their faults and change their behavior… but since this is the real world, post 2020, what’s most likely to happen is they’ll double down, pick a fight, and give you the silent treatment anyways, which I would consider a win-win!

Oh and if you’re reading this and thinking to yourself, “Oh, this poor girl has so many friends and coworkers like that! None of my friends are like that, and I’ve never met anyone as narcissistic as the people she’s talking about.” Well then, I have some bad news for you…